


holding a grudge only makes you bitter

by pragmatic



Category: The 100
Genre: Forgiveness, Gen, blake siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-07-14 07:30:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7160096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pragmatic/pseuds/pragmatic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Why wouldn't I? You're family Octavia, whether you want to admit it or not. All of us care about you, and if that scares you, I suggest you learn to deal with it because none of it is going away."</p><p>or the one where Octavia realizes her mistakes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	holding a grudge only makes you bitter

Octavia paces back and forth in her and-it's just hers now, she reminds herself bitterly. Clarke and Bellamy were coming back today, she hadn't talked to either of them since Polis.  
She wasn't looking forward to seeing anyone. Finally, exhausted from her worry and the daily hunt, she sits down on her bed and stares at the ceiling. She sees the stars that Lincoln etched into the metal over their bed. He said he wanted her to feel at home. She never got the chance to tell him that she felt at home when she was with him.  
The tears quietly trickle down her cheeks. She only mourns when she's alone, she can't handle the pity stares and sad smiles she gets in public. She's learned to hide her emotions well by now.  
A soft rap on the door sounds, and she hastily wipes the tears away before giving them permission to enter.  
"Hey," Clarke says as she closes the door. Octavia knows Clarke feels awkward here. Doesn't know what to say even though she's experienced the same things. Octavia could make it easier for her, show herself friendly.  
But Clarke doesn't deserve that.  
She sided with Bellamy, she forgave Bellamy, she comforts Bellamy.  
And anyone who does that isn't a friend of hers.  
"What do you want, Clarke."  
"I want to talk with you." She watches as Clarke fiddles with her fingers, a nervous tell that she's had ever since the drop ship days.  
Octavia rolls her eyes, and flops back onto the bed.  
"Well I don't want to talk with you." She states, like the mature teenager she is. Clarke sighs.  
"Octavia, Bellamy won't tell me what happened." She doesn't have to continue for Octavia to understand.  
She sits up once more, staring Clarke in the eyes.  
"Lincoln was murdered. Pike murdered him, Bellamy was on Pikes side. Bellamy gave Pike the power to kill Lincoln. I punished Bellamy." This makes perfect sense in Octavia's mind, on the ark, when people broke the rules, they got punished.  
Her mom was floated for breaking the law, that was Bellamy's fault too.  
Clarke's face is astonished, like she can't believe the words that she just heard.  
"Octavia ... You don't really believe that, do you?" She's turned on her mom voice, the one she uses on both of the Blakes frequently.  
"I believe what I saw unfolding before my eyes. You left, and Bellamy fell apart. You told him that you couldn't lose him, and you know that went both ways. Then you sent him to die. You let me almost die, and then, when Bellamy risks any of the hope he has left to help you bear the damn burden, you leave. Bellamy threw a tantrum. He went insane. And that's on him. But you're the one who got the ball rolling." Octavia spits out the last sentence as if it's poison.  
Clarkes face shifts, from sadness to anger. Then she's right in front of Octavia, nose to nose.  
"Stop blaming me for something that wasn't my fault. I didn't know that Bellamy relied on me. I didn't know that he needed me as much I needed him. But I do now, and I'm not letting him go down that dark path again.  
And you're not helping! He didn't kill Lincoln! He did some awful shit, I'm not denying that, but he didn't kill Lincoln. He knows that, and he still takes the blame. And as for you punishing him? You don't get to decide that. He punishes himself every day. He wallows in self hate and guilt and you make it even worse.  
You don't punish family. You don't abuse family either, but that's exactly what you're doing." Clarke straightens, glaring down at Octavia.  
Octavia stands, walks over to the door, and kicks it open.  
"Get out." Her hands are shaking with anger.  
"Octavia-"  
"GET OUT!" She screams.  
Clarke stares for a moment longer, then calmly steps out.  
She turns back to Octavia again.  
"You're only angry because I'm right."  
The only answer she gets is the door slamming shut. Octavia allows the tears to fall, she slides against the door until she's sitting down, and she hugs her sides. Sobs wrack her body and she doesn't try and stop it. 

Nearly a week later, Octavia hasn't talked to Clarke again. She doesn't want to see her at all.  
She's sitting at a table alone, when Raven slides in next to her and steals a hunk of deer off her plate.  
"Oh yeah sure, go right ahead."  
"Thanks, I was going to anyway." Raven replies, taking a bite and smiling. Octavia can't help but huff a laugh, Raven never has a dull moment.  
"So, how are you doing." Raven doesn't say this with a sad time, or a worried tone, or even a 'I'm only asking because I feel obligated' tone. She just sounds curious.  
This somehow makes Octavia immediately want to spill her guts for some reason.  
Instead she says, "Better than yesterday, I guess."  
"Better enough to go talk to Bellamy?" She steals another piece of meat. Damn she was sly. Octavia looks at her, searching for what her motive is.  
"Listen, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, we all know that never ends well, but I do want what's best for you."  
"Why? Why do you want that? Why do you even care?" Octavia was genuinely curious, and also a little scared. Anybody that ever cared about her always ended up getting hurt.  
"Why wouldn't I? You're family Octavia, whether you want to admit it or not. All of us care about you, and if that scares you, I suggest you learn to deal with it because none of it is going away." Raven gives her shoulder a squeeze, before getting up from the table. 

"Hi." Monty says shyly. Octavia looks up from sharpening her sword and smiles at him.  
"Hi Monty. What are you up to?" It's been two days since her talk with Raven, but she still doesn't want to think about anything that was said.  
Monty decides to sit down beside her.  
"Could I give you a hug?"  
Octavia's smile widens as she grabs him and holds him close. She breaths him in.  
"Is everything ok?" She says into his ear. He pulls away.  
"With me it is."  
"Monty-" she starts.  
"No, I get that you don't want sympathy, I understand that you want to deal with things by yourself. But I want you to know that you don't have to, you're not alone, ok?" He takes one of her hands and squeezes, before leaving again.  
She watches him go, then ducks her head and grins. 

The next day, she hears a knock before she's awake. She grumbles about needing sleep before rolling out of bed.  
She opens the door to an empty hallway, but when she looks down, she sees a few extra blankets and a note.  
O,  
It's going to get cold soon.  
B.  
That's all it says, and even then it makes her eyes prickle. She thought she couldn't forgive Bellamy, but that could never be true, she never even truly blamed him. She just needed someone to project her grief onto.  
"Octavia Blake, how could you have been so stupid." She says as she scoops up the blankets.  
She thought she needed to be alone, because she thought that no one was there for her. How could she forget about all the others she cared about?  
She thought the only person she loved had died when Lincoln was gone, but she was wrong. She was still part of a family, a family that had forgiven her when she didn't deserve it. A family that would always be there for her. A family that she would never take for granted again.  
She deposits the blankets on the bed and gets dressed hurriedly.  
She needed to find Bellamy.  
She yanked on her boots and darted out the door.  
She went to his quarters first, pulling open the door as quickly as she could. He wasn't there.  
"Octavia?" She turned at the sound of his voice.he was walking down the hall towards her and he looked so surprised that he was seeing her it made her want to sob.  
"What are you-" he manages to say before she catapults herself into his arms. He stumbles back but then instantly returns the hug with just as much force. They stay like that for the longest time, before he finally whispers, "You ok?"  
She pulls back, and looks at him.  
Looks at the now faded marks on his cheeks that she gave him.  
"Octavia-"  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Bell. I'm sorry about every thing. I can't believe I blamed you for so long. It was never your fault, it was always Pikes and he payed for that. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you, you didn't deserve any of it. You shouldn't blame yourself either, you should cut yourself some slack, ok?" The words rush out of her. She's so glad she finally has the courage to say them.  
Bellamy is staring at her in shock.  
"And I know I don't deserve your forgiveness after everything I put you through, but I hope you can someday." She's about to step away from his embrace, when he pulls her back and gives her a hug once again.  
"I forgave you a long time ago."  
She smiles. "I love you big brother."  
"I love you too, O."

A few hours later, after a long and overdue talk with Bellamy, Octavia hunts down Clarke.  
She finds her painting.  
She waits a few minutes before saying anything, just watching Clarke make paint and paper come to life.  
"That's beautiful." She says softly, Clarke jumps slightly, but then smiles.  
"It's not done yet." She says bashfully. Octavia grins.  
"It'll look even better when it is."

It turns out it's for Octavia, to hang in her quarters to make her feel at home. She hangs it beside her bed next to the stars. She glances at each of them before falling asleep each night.  
Her two loves, space and butterflies.


End file.
